Codependency

There is no universal definition for codependency however one of my personal favourites describes it as "an imbalanced sense of responsibility for another person and their problems". Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More defines it as follows:

"A codependent person is one who has let another person's behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behaviour." That definition may be a bit harder to digest but for a very important and intentional purpose. The heart of the definition and recovery lies not in the other person (no matter how much we believe it does), rather in ourselves. The idea that the codependent "let another person's behaviour" affect them is as important as it is difficult to comprehend. The implication of it is that the codependent has a significant role to play in the relationship dynamic and that their recovery is primarily based on them making changes to it, not the other person.

The word "obsessed" describes the constant worry, thinking, ruminating and mental floor space that this person and their problems start taking up. The last word, "controlling" is another one that gets a bad rap, but it's important to understand more thoroughly. Controlling isn't always a negative thing, people with codependency "control" to try and save, rescue, help, change, sober up, stop hurting themselves, make them see the light, get healthy etc. It's controlling because it's not necessarily what the other person wants or is asking for, it's your own agenda (however benevolent and kind) being put on another individual.

Essentially if you love a person living with addiction and want more than anything to see them change and get better (even if they themselves do not) then you are at risk for developing codependency.

What is Codependency?

A loving desire to see someone get better coupled with a lack of knowledge of how to help someone living with addiction and more importantly, how not to help. Codependency is a normal response to abnormal behaviour and therein lies the problem. A person living with codependency is often driven by loving and caring intentions to help their loved one, the obsessions could also be described as a constant state of worry, concern, and fear for their wellbeing. Under "normal" circumstances the ways people try to help are logical and rational however the unique struggle that is addiction requires a very particular type of support from family and friends. An addiction is a loss of control over one's use despite the negative impact and consequences, the behaviours become compulsive and are by definition, out of control. Codependency often looks like a well intended loved one trying to control or stop the person's out of control behaviour. This is problematic because it doesn't work and it can significantly affect the person trying to help.